Looks like I’m a bit behind the curve, finding this book a good six years after it first came out. But hey, better late than never! In my quest to discover more on hostmanship, I have decided to read a wide range of literature related to this topic. In The Art of Gathering, Priya Parker offers a fresh perspective on what makes a gathering come alive: what gives it impact and a place in memory? Parker’s work is a manifesto for transforming the way we meet and connect in our personal and professional lives. It is about making deliberate choices, meaningful connections, and honing the craft of hosting.
These themes feel like a natural extension of my own dedication to the art of hostmanship. Think of hostmanship as an art of making people feel they belong, right from the moment they arrive. It’s about the host’s mindful touches, where every small action has a bigger purpose, weaving together an experience that sparks real connections and heartfelt engagement.
This blog post includes a review of The Art of Gathering, and takes a walk through Parker’s core ideas, looking at them through the prism of hostmanship. I’ll explore why her insights align with mine and how they reflect my own pursuit of spaces that are welcoming and inclusive.
Gatherings as an expression of intent
One of the foundational principles in The Art of Gathering is the idea of ‘purpose-driven gatherings’. Parker argues that every gathering should start with a purpose that’s clear, specific, and even open to debate. This aligns with the principles of hostmanship, where every action, every choice, aims to make people feel seen and valued. Purpose becomes the compass, guiding everything from the invite list to the seating plan, anchoring every detail to the gathering’s true intent.
In my own life, whether I’m setting the table for a dinner or facilitating a busness meeting, my first question is always “why are we here?”. This question brings focus and intention. It keeps alignment with the desired outcome, be it forging closer friendships or driving a meeting toward a common goal. Parker’s emphasis on purpose confirms something I’ve always felt: without a clear ‘why’, gatherings run the risk of becoming hollow and unfulfilling.
Generous exclusion: curating your guest list
Parker introduces the idea of ‘generous exclusion’, terminology that at first seemed like a paradox. But it makes sense when you dig deeper. Just as hostmanship focuses on making every guest feel expected and appreciated, Parker’s strategy of carefully selecting who attends a gathering ensures that each participant has a meaningful role to play and derives value from being there.
I have seen the value of this firsthand. When running meetings or workshops, I think hard about who needs to be there. Too many voices can scatter the conversation, making it harder to achieve anything significant. Focusing on who should be in the room ensures discussions stay rich, focused, and impactful.
This approach is about about fostering deeper connections and ensuring that each gathering serves its intended purpose. And about making choices that enhance the experience for everyone involved, much like how I curate the atmosphere when hosting at home. Picking the right playlist, lighting, or topics for conversation, it’s creating an environment where all present feel engaged and included.
The gathering begins before it begins
Parker’s take on invitations as storytelling tools speaks directly to my passion for creating experiences that matter. In hostmanship, every detail is a note in the melody, and the invitation is often the first chord struck. An invitation, whether to a dinner party or a team meeting, is often more than a matter of logistics. It is an opportunity to convey the spirit of the event and invite others to share in that vision.
As an example, swap the typical, factual invitation (“Join us for dinner at 7 PM!”) with something more evocative, like: “Gather with us for a meal at 7 PM, as we celebrate the moments of struggle and joy that defined our year. Bring a memory that made you smile!” This kind of invitation sets the mood and primes your guests for deeper, more meaningful interactions.
For me, this aspect of Parker’s work really resonates with me. I have always believed that the way you invite someone to an event can influence their mindset and expectations. At home, I love to craft invitations that carry a sense of warmth and inclusivity, letting guests know that they belong. In a professional setting, this might mean sending out a meeting agenda that not only outlines the topics to be discussed but also invites participants to bring their unique perspectives and ideas to the table.
Treating the invite as the gathering’s opening act aligns perfectly with hostmanship’s ethos, where every gesture is an opportunity to make others feel valued and part of something special.
Planning the venue is also an important part of preparing a gathering. Parker points out that the venue is more than a backdrop; it acts like a quiet ‘nudge’ that guides how guests interact and feel. Picking a location that matches the gathering’s vibe (maybe a snug living room for heartfelt storytelling or an outdoor space for free-flowing ideas) sets the mood and encourages the kind of connections you’re aiming for.
Rules over etiquette
Parker talks about creating “temporary alternative worlds”, which is about crafting gatherings that break the mold of the everyday, nudging guests to interact in fresh, unexpected ways. Think of fun twists: a ‘no phones at the table’ rule or a dinner where everyone brings a story to share. These little disruptions shake up the usual rhythm, creating moments that stand out and bring people closer together. By setting specific rules or norms, you encourage people to engage in new, freer ways, sparking deeper connections.
When a host embraces ‘generous authority’, they take an active role in steering the gathering to safeguard its purpose. This means setting clear ground rules, managing how the group interacts, and stepping in when necessary to make sure everyone feels at ease, involved, and connected to the event’s true intention.
I sometimes bring in ‘pop-up rules’ to break down barriers. During Sprint Retrospectives, I might start with a rule like “no talking about work for the first ten minutes” to get team members to connect personally. It changes the energy, opening a door to insights that wouldn’t surface otherwise. Similarly, at home, I have found that setting playful or unconventional rules can enhance the experience for guests. These small interventions can transform an ordinary gathering into something extraordinary.
The art of closing
Parker’s emphasis on the importance of how a gathering ends is another area where her philosophy aligns with hostmanship. Just as I believe in the importance of starting with intent, I value the way things conclude. A thoughtful ending can be the cherry on top that leaves people with a sense of closure.
To create a meaningful ending, try inviting guests to share a final thought, offering a small token that reflects the gathering’s essence, or planning a ‘last call’ activity to unite everyone one last time. These kinds of closings not only bring a sense of completion but also etch a warm, lasting memory in everyone’s mind.
In my professional role, I ensure that meetings and workshops do not just fizzle out. I always include a moment to reflect, or a call to action that circles back to the meeting’s purpose. This not only helps solidify the outcomes but also ensures that participants leave with a clear understanding of the next steps. At home, I like to close with a small gesture—maybe a final toast, a shared treat, or a token of thanks for being there. These endings are about reinforcing the connection that has been built during the gathering and sending everyone off with a sense of warmth and belonging. A truly, happy ending.
A page-turning, relatable read
What makes The Art of Gathering stand out, is the strength in both its wisdom and its voice. Parker’s writing is candid, personal, funny even at times. She shares stories from her own life and from various gatherings she has facilitated, making the book feel less like a lecture and more like a chat. Her anecdotes range from tales of her own wedding to moderating tricky negotiations, which makes it a relatable and easy read.
This candid style makes the book a page-turner. Her willingness to ask hard questions and touch on controversial topics adds depth. She does not shy away from tough questions or controversial topics, you can feel her challenging norms while still embracing the messy beauty of human interaction.
Why The Art of Gathering resonates with me
Reading The Art of Gathering felt like finding a kindred spirit in Priya Parker. Her principles echo values I hold dear; values that I’ve grown to understand better through the philosophy of hostmanship. Both her work and hostmanship revolve around being intentional, practicing empathy, and creating spaces where people feel genuinely valued.
What strikes me most is Parker’s focus on the human side of gathering. In a world where digital screens often stand between us, her call to gather with purpose and authenticity feels both refreshing and necessary. It reminds me that every time we come together, whether around a dinner table or in a conference room, we have the opportunity to create something that matters. And it challenges me to continue refining my approach to hosting and facilitation, to keep every gathering infused with empathy and connection.
Through the lens of hostmanship
The Art of Gathering invites us to rethink how we meet and connect. For me, it reinforces why I cherish the principles of hostmanship and how I can continue to weave them into different areas of my life. Parker’s emphasis on purpose, connection, and hosting as an art form feels like a perfect match with my own beliefs, underscoring the idea that every encounter is a chance to make others feel truly welcome.
As someone who thrives on creating positive environments, Parker’s work has inspired me to be even more intentional in my approach. Whether I am hosting a dinner, leading a team, or simply spending time with friends, I am reminded that the art of gathering is about creating spaces where real connection and joy can flourish.
In the end, both Parker’s work and the philosophy of hostmanship share a common goal: to create meaningful, memorable experiences that leave a lasting impact. By embracing these principles, we can transform our gatherings from routine events into powerful opportunities for connection.
And that, to me, is the true art of gathering.
For anyone looking to expand their facilitation skillset, wants to expand their knowledge of hostmanship, or just wants to organize purposeful encounters, this book by Priya Parker is very, very valuable. As I happen to tick all these boxes, I can heartily recommend The Art of Gathering. ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
Curious about more of Priya Parker’s views? Listen to her 2020 podcast series ‘Together Apart’, in which she delves into various topics surrounding ‘the art of gathering’. Or visit her website.